Wednesday, January 27, 2010


My days just seem to be work and no work. I had traded with a woman who wanted to get rid of her 12 hours on Friday. She took my two 10 shifts and I had three, eight hour days in a row. That was grand.....When you work eight hours you days starts and you have to look forward to a break and then lunch and then out by 3 PM. Some how the hours between 3 and 5 seem like an eternity. The hours betwen 5 and seven will seem to be longer.....

It really is good to go home when the sun is still shining. When you leave at 5 and it is dark, it is depressing. I will let you know how the 12 hours went. I suppose it all depends on the schedule.

Today was about average. I spent my day doing urology. There are really a lot of sick folks out there. I saw first hand a sons anguish because his father was diagnosed with inoperable colon cancer and his troubles were because the large tumor was obstructing the ureters which take the urine from the kidneys to the bladder.

I can relate to him. I had written about my anguish with my fathers condition when he went from healthy to very sick in a matter of one year. My father did not want to be kept alive. He believed in God and believed he would be reunited with my mother. It was sad when the end came and the doctors wanted to resuscitate him and I refused. My sibs knew how he felt and agreed with his and my decision.

Even though I knew that was what he wanted it did not make it any easier. Mentally I knew he would not get better but psychologically I felt like a child and wanted my father to live. His life would not have been good but rather a matter of existence.

He was watching a TV show about five years before he became ill and it was about the old people vegetating in a Nursing Home. He said "I those people knew they were like that they would not want to be there." I think that is a strong argument about how he felt. I would not want that myself. I want to be remembered how I was not in a care facility and I did not know who, why, or where I was. That is not life, it is an existence.

I talked to a psychologist a few times after his death, I feel that she helped me and she said it was good to feel regret but not guilt. I still feel bad about it six years later, but I guess that is human nature. I am glad I had talked to someone that was a great relief to know it was OK to do what he had wanted.


  1. This entry is heart wrenching. I had to do the same with my 42 year old son and as you said, I knew he wanted it, I had a hard time dealing with it. Claudia, Mike had his 6th chemo last week and his blood counts are good but he immediately went into the usual severe diahria (SP) he has after every treatment and was more nausea. This time it all hit at once a day earlier than usual We are wondering if this is because the chemicals building up in his body more. He has 6 more to go and has not lost but very little hair. He sleeps a whole day after treatment, which I can understand. I think what is making me more nervous is that she has not answered my Email since she sent me that. That is so out of character for her. I just thought I would pick your brain on why the stronger unpleasant reactions hit so fast. He has been working and the day after his treatment he went but had to come home by 10:00. She has a lot on her plate trying to work and worrying about him so I thought I would pick your brain.

  2. My daughter finally got back to me and every thing is going according to plan so far. His blood work dropped from 140 To 104 so they may skip a treatment. She was not sure. Thanks so much for your answer.

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